Defining the intersection between listening and living

“Listen here, I’ll tell you my biggest fears”

  • Fear defined by Webster’s is “an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.”

There are a great deal of people who will tell you that they have no fears. The thought of conquering fears or living a life fearful both allude me. I hope that my journey is one filled with fear. Fear in the sense that it is a mechanism that allows a person to rise to the challenge. strive to do better. I mark time by the songs and music that capture my emotions of the day. I am reminiscing on times past thinking of songs of past loves and friends knowing that if it was not for these experiences I would not be the person I am today. I also know that it is because of this fact that I have to make sure every day counts. My journey is one well spent and with that I am listening to J.

Cole’s song “Born Sinner”.

English: J. Cole and DJ Zeke backstage, St. John's

English: J. Cole and DJ Zeke backstage, St. John’s (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Spinning in circles, live my life without rehearsal
If I die today my nigga was it business? Was it personal?
Should this be my last breath I’m blessed cause it was purposeful
Never got to church to worship lord but please be merciful
You made me versatile, well-rounded like cursive
Know you chose me for a purpose, I put my soul in these verses
Born sinner, was never born to be perfect
Sucka for women licking their lips and holding these purses
Back when we ran the streets who would think we grow to be murderers
Teachers treated niggas as if they totally worthless
And violent, and hopeless
I saw but never noticed that a college point is right to
‘Be all that you can be’ posters
Rest in peace to Tiffany, I don’t know if this is the realest shit I wrote
But know the realest nigga wrote this
And signed it, and sealed it in a envelope and knew one day you’d find it
And knew one day that you’d come back and rewind this, singing..

I choose this song today as the song presents a slow melody and hook that seems to capture that real tranquil afterthought process. Looking back at the journey a person has taken to come to where they currently are. In this first verse we visit the past looking over the experiences, thoughts of a life well lived. Hoping that we portrait a realness that is unmistakably us. I relate because I am really struggling lately to make sense of what I really want from life. I find myself daily revisiting the past for insight into my future. Relationships had, emotions experienced and where to go next. To me the best life of this verse is, “I don’t know if this is the realest shit I wrote, But know the realest nigga wrote this“.

The Hook repeats but the transition that it provides with the reaffirmation that we are all the same born sinners, fearful of the lord. We know that we have those that we can always rely on. A support system of friends and family. Now that is a powerful concept people that we can always depend on. I think that in life this is one of the greatest benefits. I find it hard to make friends but once I do, I make sure to stay loyal and true, dependable.

[Hook: James Fauntleroy]
I’m a born sinner
But I die better than that, swear

You were always where I needed you to be
Whether you were there or not there (I was there)

I was born sinning
But I live better than that (better tonight)

If you ain’t fucking with that
I don’t care
(yeah, yeah, yeah)

The second verse (below) relates to the definition that I provided at the beginning of this post. Fear, yeah some may laugh but fear of failure is a thought that constantly drives me to do better. Knowing a fear of disappointment, though my maternal grandmother is gone I still live with the fear of disappointing her. She was a very classy woman that really prized education and making the most of what you have and the thought of not making the most of what I have been blessed with is a fear that I experience daily. This fear drives me to make my journey one that makes the most of the small things. The experiences that I am privileged enough to have, the relationships that I share and the emotions that have. My journey is one that drove me to create this blog, and reach out to a community of people with different perspectives, insights and knowledge to further enrich my life and make the most out of it. The fear of disappointment is also driving me to make use of talents that I have always had. Looking in the core of the second verse the line, “Listen here, I’ll tell you my biggest fears” ,but even in that we must look at all the things that make us who we are. Another line in the verse that speaks to me and makes me think, “Ducking calls from my mother for days,  Sometimes she hate the way she raised me but she love what she raised“. Now I do love my mom but there are times that I just do not want to talk to anyone. I would rather be alone with myself and my thoughts. This is hard as one of the things that I really strive to do is make my mother proud. For the most part my mother raised us with help from my aunts and my maternal grandmother as my parents are divorced. I do not hold any grudges against my father, and his relationship with my mother is exceptional. They are really good friends and honestly I could not see them ever married, but this is more because I know the type of man my father is. that is another point for another day. My mother is a strong woman who has done what is needed to provide for her family and it is because of this that I strive to be at least 1/10th the person she is. The fear of not being able to provide for my family is captured in this line and make it real that I make sure that one day I am able to provide for her. 

Yeah, this music shit is a gift
But God help us make it cause this music business is a cliff
I got a life in my grip, she holding tight to my wrist
She screaming: “Don’t let me slip”

She see the tears in my eyes, I see the fear on her lips
True when I told you: “You the only reason why I don’t flip and go insane”
My roof in the pouring rain
You knew me before the fame, don’t lose me the more I change
No, just grow with me, go broke you go broke with me
I smoke you gon’ smoke with me

Woman’s curse since birth, man lead her to the hearse
I go Bobby you go Whitney damn
Listen here, I’ll tell you my biggest fears
You the only one who knows them
Don’t you ever go expose them

This life is harder than you’ll probably ever know
Emotions I hardly ever show
More for you than for me
Don’t you worry yourself

I gotta do this for me
They tell me life is a test but where’s the tutor for me
Pops came late I’m already stuck in my ways

Ducking calls from my mother for days
Sometimes she hate the way she raised me but she love what she raised
Can’t wait to hand her these house keys with nothing to say

The overall breath of J. Cole’s song “Born Sinner” is one that is uplifting for me. It speaks to the fears we all have of success, love , failure, disappoint and how we make the most out of the short time that we are given on this earth. I have taken you through my journey as I experience this song. If you get a chance take a listen, let the word move through you, feel something. My fears are mine as this is a reflection of my journey. The inner thoughts of this born sinner afraid of the disappointments and failures that I strive to rise above.

I hope you enjoyed this post, If you feel like sharing what are some of your fears out there?

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  1. amediablogger September 18, 2013

    I really liked this post. Thank you. My fear I guess is running out of time and not doing everything I’ve dreamed of. My dreams are simple.

    • Chaoscream September 18, 2013

      Thank you for taking the time out to express your fears. It is appreciate when someone responds to a post that really provokes them with a thought or feeling.
      I can understand as we all have dreams and aspirations it is finding the time/making the time to make these a reality.

      • amediablogger September 18, 2013

        You’re welcome. Thank you for your post it did get me thinking.

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