Life is funny how a single day can become the cornerstone of life changes. Memory is a funny beast knowing the outcome we still envision the possibilities of what could have been and understand what was. The decisions were made based on the experience and knowledge had at the time.
Lying in a bed in the white sterile room is sobering, distant and at times confusing. Understanding how you got there is the trick. Trying to recall the events of the day prior and put together what had happened. The questions: how did I end up here? Why am I here? For how long do I have to stay here? I feel the constant fluctuation as my body screams in pain and with the pain comes clarity. Understanding that the day prior I had experienced a car accident that fractured my jaw in 3 places, that could have claimed my life but left me bloody, bruised and broken. I had surgery that night early this morning to wire my jaw shut so that it could heal and was placed on a morphine drip. Left in the sterile room to feel the screaming body of existence and life.
Left with nothing but time to contemplate, recall and revisit contiousness. Thinking was pretty much all that I could do in between the head nods and flurry of body language responses that I gave to the onslaught nurses, family and friends that vistited me that day.
I was brought a bible by my second father, My best friends dad and my pastor. I spent time reading, JOB and reflecting on trials. At the time I was heavily into my faith. I came to understand and acknowledge that I was a live for a reason.
The day continued as it was as long as it was sobering, knowing that survival is all that there was to think, “I survived” as I continuously revisited the events of the day prior. The power steering went out of my car as I glided toward on coming traffic then into what must have been a tree. I was not sure as I blacked-out shortly from hitting the widow and steering wheel. Realizing that what surviving meant; thinking quietly as my body screamed.
“What was my purpose”, surely I must have one being that I was still here. I understood very much in those moments. Regardless of what my purpose I would spend the rest of my life living with resolution.
Life is for the living, staring at the sterile hospital environment. Goals were set, promises made. The night came quickly and sleep offered a sweet release from pain and conscious thought.